He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
