as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
