There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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