I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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