I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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