i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
