So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I currently don't understand fingers.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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