i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
soo... how was my night?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
