i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
