I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
