I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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