Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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