My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
