I'm so fucking centered right now
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
