Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
