If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
