I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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