she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Randomize
