a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
