I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
