I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
