Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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