He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
