My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
