I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
