There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
