somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
