im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
