My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
