you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
