I accidentally burped into my bong.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
