After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
