I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
