Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
What drink are we having for lunch?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
