He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
