Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
