gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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