Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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