My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
