I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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