just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
