i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
