I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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