we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
