Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
