I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
