i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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