I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
