A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Vodka?
Forever.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
