you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
