Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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