apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
