Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
